Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
