i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
