he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon