Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help