Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷