I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now