I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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