4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You're like the curious george of whores
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
