Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
