shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
