Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
