Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE