he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
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One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
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The paramedics were not my fault this time.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
That's how pantless uber rides happen