He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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