he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
It's blow job season.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
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