Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
