In the future we'll all be gay
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
