i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
