He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
