my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
