He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
