You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
