He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
