I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Even the bartender felt bad for me
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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