How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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