fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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