You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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