The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
