please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
