u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i love accidental penises.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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