Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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