I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
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