It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
