I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.