You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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