So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
two words: eviction party
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night