He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I touched a dick in church today
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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