Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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