i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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