It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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