i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
