I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
