I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
