Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
