My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
