What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
