at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
