I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
