Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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