I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
