my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
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We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
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She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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