When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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