I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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