Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I just forgot I was standing up.
Sext me about skeletons
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
