Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
there is puke in my bra ... again
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
