i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
