I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.