stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
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I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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