Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
