i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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